Moving and Sharing with Family... sigh


#1

I wrote a long rant. In the end I decided to not post it. Let me just say that once again the nice-guy/gal/couple have lost. The lazy and ungrateful family member has raised a stink and the rest of the family has chosen their side.

I just wish that said family would recognize and acknowledge the fact that my wife and I have sacrificed our time, our money and our privacy all for the purpose of helping a family member and her daughter, primarily the daughter. We have been met with nothing but complaints and accusations through this whole process. And all of this drama is on top of the other rigors of moving.

Actually I take that back. I don’t care about recognition. I just want the family member to not take advantage of the help that we offer. Thus far that has not been the case.

To top everything off, yesterday I wake up to the SWAT team rolling down the block, and today as I headed out to the car I witnessed a police chase. Thankfully the previously mentioned family members aren’t aware of these events, lest they find out that we now, truly, live in the ghetto.

On the plus side, the house we moved into has an existing 4" vent to the outside… sadly it is in the living room, and I’m fairly certain the Glowforge won’t have it’s home in the living room.


#2

Sorry to hear >< Nothing much we can do to help ya out, except offer an online santuary for occasional retreat. Kudos on being good to family, even when that tenuous link is the only reason.


#3

I’m so sorry to hear that. The crazy part is, that sounds nearly IDENTICAL to a situation I went through two years ago. We offered our home, food, money, advice, and solace and received abuse and destruction in return. we offered to get the parent a job, counseling, or any other help. we offered the daughter a free college education, and any support she would need. I co-signed for a car so the parent to get to/from a job. but she never got a job and my credit is still recovering from that one.
It almost broke me, mentally, emotionally, and financially. hang in there. In the end, me and my wife ended up recovering and moving forward in life and are doing great. They (the family members) are now no better that where they started, unfortunately. We were disowned by the rest of the family for helping them out. but are better off anyway.
stay strong, and stay focused on supporting your marriage through this. it will be history soon enough.


#4

I feel your pain. I learned long ago that “the more you give, the more they expect from you”. Just hang in there.:relaxed:


#5

I’m extremely sorry to hear it too. We’ve been through somewhat similar drama on both sides of our family, and you just have to live through it. It doesn’t feel like it will ever get any easier, because what they are really breaking is your heart.

You will get through it though. Remember that it is okay to say no sometimes. And take time for yourselves.


#6

So sorry to hear you had to go through that… You are free to rant on here and get our support!!


#7

Thanks everyone for your comments and support.

It’s funny. I learned this particular lesson when working at UPS. I busted my butt loading trucks, trying to meet or exceed the expected loading times… in the end, everyone else was slower so when I would finish they would throw me into another truck to load some more. The harder I worked the more work they gave me while everyone else kind of coasted. Eventually I realized that I could slow myself down and get along just fine… of course that’s the beauty of union jobs… but lets not get started on that discussion. :wink:

We will get through it. One of two things will happen… Said family member will run back to mommy and daddy in CA, leaving us to ourselves. And while it will stick us with a 2 year lease that is a little higher than we would like to cover on our own, at least we won’t have all of the drama. The other alternative is that she doesn’t “run home” and we have to put up with her for the aforementioned 2 years, at which point we are 100% separating households.

We certainly try to. But that’s another issue. All of this moving overlapped with our anniversary! Now we had decided to keep it low key. We knew that we would be moving. I bought her flowers, a card, and a few macaroons from a great french bakery at Pike Place, and then we were going to head out for dinner. Nothing too fancy. Sadly the whole evening was marred by discussion of all of this drama. We got home and decided to watch a little TV, and at one point the sister and mom come upstairs and cop a squat on the couch just looking at us. Uh, we were watching a show which we have paused because we thought you wanted to talk about something… but you’re just staring at us. wtf?!? In a couple weeks once this all settles down we’re totally going to Daniel’s Broiler for a nice steak, and next year, our 10-year, we’re going to go somewhere or do something epic.

So, back to this “ghetto” situation I have put myself into… the GF will require a signature when it arrives yes? I don’t want the UPS guy just leaving it on the porch in this neighborhood!


#8

Gosh, that’s rough for you. Seeing your story makes me feel so fortunate that we don’t have relatives doing such things, at least so far! I hope something extra nice happens to you to compensate.


#9

Please add me to the list of people who not only can relate in some way, but who also really care about what happens for you. Thinking of you. :tulip:


#10

ugh!!!


#11

you may be able to arrange a UPS/FedEx Store pickup instead of a home delivery… but I don’t actually know if it will be delivered UPS or if it will be a variety of shipping companies.


#12

Definitely.

I was the National Bank of Jim. I finally figured out I was either a)just enabling their dysfunction or b) being taken advantage of. Then I realized I really didn’t like them all that much. The friends I make and choose myself I’ll do anything for. The people who think they deserve special treatment because we share a gene pool haven’t been my problem for years now.

Sometimes it’s best to disenfranchise toxic family members.


#13

Sometimes it’s necessary, for their own good, but it’s never easy. It’s a tough spot to be in.


#14

Thank fully my family is not toxic but I do know some people whos family is and I’m just liked DUDE!!! and the response is ‘I know I know I’m trying’ or ‘its ok its getting better’ both of witch isn’t helpful just to see the people I know given there shirt to someone that doesn’t deserve it and doesn’t care


#15

I feel you, I really do. We have two daughters. One is a school teacher, a mother of two, and the wife to the coolest son-in-law anyone could hope to have. The other is, well, for the lack of a better term, disabled by extreme sorriness.
Remember this, true obligation is something you take upon yourself, not something someone else expects.

Good luck, and wish us the same!


#16

I appreciate you efforts to support and nurture. It may not seem like good resulted, but I believe there is grace in store for all simply by trying.


#17

I’m sorry to hear this. It is so unfortunate when people mistake kindness for a weakness. Hopefully, this experience does not discourage you and your wife from continuing to be nice people… the world needs as many of those as possible!

And while it must feel frustrating and exhausting now, it’s entirely possible that your efforts are not in vain. The mother may be beyond hope, but there’s no telling what her daughter is learning from your compassion, and simply from being exposed to functional adults.


#18

Oh no! Sorry you are going through all this.

On an up note: The Glowforge is gorgeous. I’d stick it in my living room (and just might – once I figure out where I’ll be living by December. I’m in the process of selling my house and moving).

For the record, being in escrow is the opposite of fun.


#19

Thanks again everyone for the kind words. My wife and I are helpers. A couple of bad experiences with that won’t stop us that’s for sure!


#20

I thought you’d been sort of’ fading awayish’ lately! I’m glad to know it’s just because you’ve been extremely busy doing other things. Wishing you the best with your upcoming move and hope all the red tape stuff goes well and quickly. I’ve been in the same place for 43 years, so cannot even relate. :neutral_face: