Tool Primer for New Makers

For anyone who may be new to the maker scene, here’s a quick reference to some of the most popular non-laser tools.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh shit!’

DROP SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

MITER SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too small in multiple dimensions.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka “Another hammer”, aka “the Swedish Nut Lathe”, aka “Crescent Wrench”. Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

SOB TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘SON OF A BITCH!’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

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Previously…

… but always a fun read!

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Thankfully I have been tinkering with things for long enough now that I have gained enough temporal distance to see the humor in this. Fifteen years ago it may have hit a little too close to home…

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heh heh always fun. That is a large tool selection. Some people have only a “turner” and a “hitter” Those are usually a well blunted slot screw driver and a hammer of some description. In extreme cases a turner can be used as a hitter and vice versa, but with reduced effectiveness.

A wood chisel can be used as a turner if your wife forbids you to use her butter knives…

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Everything is a nail when you’ve got a hammer in your hands.

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Shown below, these are commonly called slip joint pliers and they functioned exactly as the name implied.
We called them dog pliers. Always have a pair in the pouch to throw at the toothy dog that would not leave the base of your ladder.
In the event the dog mouthed them up and ran off in a game of fetch, it would not be considered a great loss.

image

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It wouldn’t be so funny if I wasn’t guilty of most of these (somehow missed the bumper trap).

I’ll be giggling thinking about this for the rest of the night.

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I love this! :rofl:

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